She never had a childhood

From the Other Side of the Desk:
Looking at local child abuse and neglect through experienced eyes
Peters, Jon. Athens News, Dec 11, 2006.

"I never had a childhood," she says, hands folded, glancing at the light-oak table. "I've been a mother since I was about 6 or 8 years old, I can't remember exactly. I had to take care of my little brother."

We're sitting side-by-side in a Children Services conference room, whose color scheme rivals that of a Navy battleship. Everything is gray. Everything is subdued. Everything but the 16-year-old girl before me.

She has sparkling blue-green eyes, light brown hair that falls onto her forehead, and a genuine smile. Not the kind my friends flash when I attempt a joke. No, when she smiles, she smiles wholeheartedly, from deep down.

She's an A-B student who enjoys English and literature, mathematics and art, and she plans to be a nurse, maybe in the military.

I struggle to see the victim of parental neglect I'm supposed to interview.

"You didn't have a childhood," I say, part in distress and part because I need some time to scribble a few notes. "What do you mean?"

Several seconds pass before she turns to me, confident, comfortable, and continues, "Didn't get to go to the movies. Didn't get to hang out with friends. I didn't get to have friends, really."

"Why?" I ask.

"I didn't have any free time," she says. "I looked after my little brother because my mom didn't do it, and our neighbor had serious health problems, so I took care of their kid, too."

I dig for perspective. I try to relate. But I've never walked that path, never worn those shoes. All my life, I've had the benefit of everything - family, friends, mentors - and I still found reasons to complain.

She doesn't complain, even when I ask about the bad breaks.

"When I was 12 and living with my mom, a police officer came to the door to talk to my step-dad. He was in and out of jail for a long time. It was during the day, and the cop knew I should be in school. So I got into trouble. But I was there, at home, to take care of my family, and that's what I did."

Again, I'm thinking, I never wanted for love, wanted for affection - well, wanted for anything. And this girl, six years my junior, lived life day by day, providing to others everything she needed. Care. Attention. Protection.

I begin to cultivate the perspective eluding me earlier: When life gives you lemons...

"I don't live with my mom anymore," she says, "and it's helped me so much - being in foster care, I mean. Everyone listens to me and looks for ways they can help. My foster mom supports my ideas, loves me, feeds me, clothes me. It showed me that there are people out there who care."

I simply nod, feeling a bit powerless.

"I have lots of friends now," she says, her eyes brightening.

I'm not surprised.

She's a gritty girl, someone for whom barriers are but small bumps, and the system has been good to her, she says. I wonder aloud how we can help more kids, perhaps boys and girls who are reluctant to reach out.

"That's how I was. I was scared to lose my family because that's all I had. I know kids who feel that way right now, who are being neglected," she says. "(Child abuse and neglect) is something that people understand but don't want to deal with...and, I guess, there's more of it out there than you think."

Here are the numbers...

* In 2005, 59 new child-abuse and neglect cases were filed in Athens County Juvenile Court, bringing the total number, including pending cases, to roughly 100. The filings are fairly stable from year to year.

* Statewide, the most recent figures show that Ohio had 47,444 substantiated cases of child abuse and neglect in 2003, resulting in 68 child fatalities; and that Ohio's rate of child abuse and neglect ranked ninth in the nation, with 17.4 victims per 1,000 children, well above the national average of 12.3.

"We just want someone to listen to us," she tells me.

The truth is, listening was my means to a much greater end: Learning. From her candor and commitment. Her conviction.

She never had a childhood, I say to myself.

Learning from her courage.

Editor's note: Jon Peters volunteers for the Athens County Court Appointed Special Advocates Program and writes a column for The Athens News. E-mail him at jp376302@ohio.edu.